To a scarred body

Today's gone and history, tomorrow is already here, a present yet to be written. And with all this time running wild around yourself, you see less the inner spark and more the dust that covers it - a sticky substance of plump mud that we terrorize to no extend. 

In the relationship with yourself, there's no in between to express how you feel and you often tend to fall in extremes of love or hate. If it's the first one, then you cover yourself in even more layers of veneer that allow you to show off the spark that peaks in through the cracks of what will prove to be murderous later on. And if it's the second case other types of layers appear to conceal you from head to toes. Layers and layers of fabrics come in folds to provide hideout for insecurities and stained with red paint incapability of accepting that you are who you are and that the exterior is usually bad commercial for the poor soul residing behind the frail walls of this human body.

You fail to see the perfection that you live with 24/7.

You fail at seeing how you're a perfect sum of infinite connections that rarely fail you. You despise the way you share some of your traits with so many other to such an extend that you go for changes that leave you empty and shocked, unable to recognize the reflection of the broken spark of your soul. 

Don't turn your eyes away from the windows that want to reflect you from head to toes when you walk down town. Don't run away from seeing entirely just how perfect you are. From the eyes that see and yet never betray you, but remain mute witnesses to all your dark secrets you buried in the sands of time, to the nostrils that puff in warning when you're mad, signaling those insane enough to approach you that joking time has been paused for now, to the lips that carry out the holy mission of lying with a smile hanging loose in their corners while you pretend you two are just friends.

Then your neck, who keeps two different universes tied together - your reason and your emotions - in still dignity, never easily bowing to bend your self-confidence and pride.

And your shoulders; perfect, round and strong bones, dependable in their almost invisible existence. You don't see them, you don't give them any attention when you carelessly sling your bag on their roundness. And yet they support your responsibilities with the power of Atlas.

Your hands are mere helpful extremities of your messed up body, right? Twins in both life and death, they strive to prove your perfection day by day by simply existing and obeying all of your, sometimes ruthless, commands. Perfect in their synchronization to provide comfort one for another, they seem complete only when you hold hand with your lover. And yet, the nature of their miracle is much simpler than one can imagine: their caresses are softer than silk, their infinite care for each other and together for you should overthrow Heavens. Can you count how many times they've attenuated your falls? How many battle scars are they wearing on your behalf?

Inside that chest you wish was smaller or larger, under your skin and flesh hides the last tint of spark that was able to hide from the judgmental looks you gave and still give yourself. How perfectly the ribs come almost united to protect it from getting further wounds than those purely metaphoric! They leave space only for the lungs who are like old locomotives, puffing in and out an imposed calmness during the most frightful moments in your life. How perfectly the long spine guards it by facing all those mean tongues that roll out only insults meant to break your spirit, your spark!

Your pelvis is treated as the subject of an odd experiment. Its perfection is even more disregarded than that of the shoulders, as you do not see its contribution to more than just pleasure. You do not see how its made so beautifully, so perfect in its fragility and how it helps the unity of two pieces that were made to be together from the very beginning. It doesn't resist much and gently wraps itself into full blooming, giving away its secrets only when you are completely agreeing to it. It never works against you, it never betrays you and if it turns out to be labeled as 'out-of-order' it gently disposes of itself without hurting you.

Then your legs - like wings for birds, they carry your flight no matter the weather. When your hearts screams in pain, they run and run and run till they catch up with the one who left you behind. When you wake up late and fumble around like the sleepy-head that you are, they carry you around no matter their own confused state. The ankles move like springs on impulses you'd never give in to! And so, you kiss in front of the door and run inside, hiding once again in embarrassment.

Why can't you acknowledge all this born perfection?

Why can't you see yourself as more than the visuals provide?

Your body is perfect no matter the shape and size, no matter the scars and paintings on the wrapping, no matter the adjacent contexts! 

Can't you, for only a second per year, acknowledge its contribution to keeping you tightly wrapped together even when you feel like falling apart? Can't you, for just one single second, look beyond what you find so unpleasant about yourself and say "I love you for being solely mine. I love you, body!"?

"And for the times I get angry at you and torment you and starve you and keep you in frozen cold - I'm sorry."

Rude

In a parallel universe, Life is a bitch in the most literal possible way. There she is, sitting on the edge of the sidewalk, her high heels digging holes in the hearts of irresponsible or just easy to trick with cheap sex men. Her smile is flattering and mocking at the same time, drawing holes where you expect less, attracting innocence in traps of bareness and promises of STDs. And like the hooker she is, she doesn't care about your looks or age - she'll take you anyway as look as you pay her thick in more than just money and leave your life in her guard.

In a parallel universe, Life is taking your hand and guiding it to her rotten sex, hoping that you'd feel her core, still raw and untouched, whispering that everything has its purpose and that you meeting her was meant to be, written by some old, crippled man who likes to fuck around in terms we cannot comprehend.

In a parallel universe, Life is obnoxiously present in your everyday life. She's there with you during your coffee break, there when you buy your pack of cigarettes to smoke your worries away, there when you lie to your lover, there when you're just lying down on your bed, staring at the ceiling above and wondering what the fuck you're gonna do about those itching spots on your sex. Oh, she's there!

In this universe, Life's just another word for 'bitch'. She's the mother of all (of us) bastards she left behind to crawl on four and learn to eat shit from the age of two. And then, when we finally get on two and learn that poo-poo is a no-no and we pass through that period when everything is simply fun and the worse thing that could happen would be to lose one of your friends, she comes back and kicks you in the ass and you fall and break your hand or a leg or a finger or your mind gets shattered. That's the first encounter. Then comes adolescence and everything is pretty much messed up - from the pimple on your forehead, to the crush that just despises you to no end, to the bad grades and parents that have forgot how it's like to have all those hormones screaming inside your cage of growing bone(r)s. That's when Life likes to make her entrance in a big way! Soon you find yourself in college with no plans for the future, with no money in your pocket, with long nights wasted on shows, with big disappointments coming in like wrecking balls and putting down all those nice and pretty, porcelain-like dreams you've reared till Life decided you deserve to be fucked in your ass... or head... or wherever it hurts the most!

In this universe, Life is just a stuck-up bitch that friend-zoned everyone and that developed a certain addiction to bully the weak. From the frail looking boy, to the girl with geek glasses; from that family with a lot of kids that have just lost their mom (it's only NORMAL that they should lose their house as well, don't you think so?!), to that nice and super-friendly middle-aged couple who have to deal with shit at their age (I mean, it's only normal that on top of all the SHIT Life gave them all of a sudden, they have to deal with the cherry on top as well, right?!).

And to all those "philosophers" who say "Oh, you should work harder!", "It's you, not life at fault for your failures!", "You should try harder!" - oh well, all you fuckers, why don't you trade places with me and go through dealing with shit when even swimming against the currents of a forming tsunami is easier than waking up and realizing that your life is not just a bad, fucking dream?!

Listen up, You up there, the one they call God: why do I have to torment myself with the same Death just to face Resurrection once again?! 

Crown On Her Head

He sits there, across the table, the pages scattered in his lap and making him look as if even he doesn't really know what he's supposed to say or do next. I find him funny and for a second I try to imagine how a date with him would look like. Is he usually messy or it's just when he's in here? Would he spill his drink on him, in a courageous attempt to gulp the drink in a manly one shot?

But then he looks me in the eyes and my thoughts fly away like scared birds on a late winter day.

"Do you cry?"

"Who doesn't?" I choke on a smile and shrug his stare off by looking somewhere above his head.

"When did you last cry?"

I pause there for a moment with a bitter smile. "You know, last night I started watching a new TV show. The tags said 'comedy' and 'romantic'. I thought it was a good choice to brush off loneliness and gray thoughts, so I got cosy in front of the screen. The first episode wasn't funny at all. It was bitter and sad. And I cried. I cried for the poor fate of a very ordinary woman, realizing at the same time that her reality was mine as well and that this world is such a sad and superficial place to live in."

"Why sad?"

"Because whenever you dream big, out of your league, you're brutally brought down and stepped on. Everyone wants to teach you a lesson sooner or later. That's the sad truth, I'm sorry," I slump on my seat, scratching the leather and wishing I was somewhere in the sky, a burning bubble of gas, cold and distant, unaware of the surroundings.

"And why superficial?"

"You know why that lady in the TV show made me cry?" I lean in closer and look him in the eyes.

"No, why?"

"Because she was fat. She was fat and considered a failure from every single point of view. No one looked at her with compassion. Not to say that except for her mother, no one loved her! And the poor being had so much love in her, you know? So many feelings she was bottling up day by day, giving out nothing but love and taking care of everyone. She knew she wasn't anything special and she wished for another type of living. But she actually cared too much for those around her to do anything extreme. Until life decided to do it for her. Don't you find it sad, doctor?"

"So you identified yourself with this character and cried because...?"

"Because I wonder why we can't see what's on the inside, rather than judge what's on the outside. Because we do not see we're but shells and stellar dust and that when we'll get old, beauty and slenderness won't survive to the diseases that will take over our bodies. Because people don't understand that being fat is not a choice. Just like there are a lot of natural skinny persons, there are people that cannot lose weight or that get fat really easily, no matter how little they eat! But no... we're too much centered on good looks and bling-blings, rather than on what really matters."

"And you cried because...?"

"Because I saw her sell her soul to the devil for a little bit of happiness and I wondered if I should do the same," I play with my fingers in my lap. "I wondered if I should throw myself away and fill in someone else's shoes and lead a life of lies and pretending. So you tell me, doctor, what's wrong with me? Why am I like this? Maybe it's melancholy?"

He looks at me and seems to ponder over whether disclosing or not the name of the disease to me. And he just sighs and looks over his notes once more, biting the end of his pencil. 

Smiling, I stand up. "You're over-analyzing me right now, doctor," I pick up my coat and purse. "You see, there's one thing I learned during these lonely years."

"What's that, miss?"

"That depression comes silently, without making a parade over its crowing in one's heart and mind."

The letter

It's so stuffy inside here that I can no longer breathe and I start looking for a way out. It never ended, did it? No matter how much I tried to forget, no matter if I denied my memories - nothing really helped, did it? No, it did nothing but pick on my scars and transform me into the walking dead that I am, a scarred monster that's afraid of every shadow around, including my own reflection in the old mirror.

I will not hate again. I will not let those black flames consume my soul, eat my vibes and take away my smiles. I will not hate again and let you stay on my mind any longer. I will not hate again. You won't be the subject of my negative idolization and come to life in my dreams, haunting my life even when you're not around.

I will not hate you. I don't want to. It's not pleasant and it's not pretty. Instead, I will fold your memory and put it in this tiny box that I will lock inside one of the oldest drawers of my mind - the drawer where I stock unimportant events. And I will forget all about your existence. From the moment I lock your tiny, almost molecular box, you will cease to exist for me. No, I will not hate you - instead, I will deny you any rights of living inside my head. 

I pledge to smile even when meetings occur and your presence reminds me of the things you greedily wanted for yourself even if they belonged to me. Now you've got them all and I'm pitiful while you're almighty. Hope you're happy. I am happy with losing to you... because you're nothing but another stranger.

It's funny that I've bid you goodbye so many times before and yet, I am still hurt by your petty insult. Yes, this is me, one of those few that are left on this dying Earth which know what being loyal to a friend means. So you get to laugh in the end. You get to laugh and be happy; why wouldn't you be? After all, you've stole enough from me: my innocent thoughts, my love for you, my first memory of loving someone else but my mother.  But it's alright. I'll lock them all in another tiny box and they'll be swallowed by yet another black hole. Like that which threw you into Oblivion...

I will not hate you. I'm trying very hard here, you see? To be better than you; a better human, a better person, a better me. I won't regret, I know that and it doesn't hurt either. I should have chase you out eons ago. Instead, I let you grow inside of me like a poisonous maggot.

I will not hate you. I am sincerely trying to keep my promise to myself. I don't want to lead my life through one sole thought. So, I will depose of you tonight, right now.

Let's never meet again, huh? Let's never again pretend to have known each other and play a charade for the ones around us, ok? Let's never remember summers and late nights, laughter and letters. Let's just become real strangers and turn heads the other way when we see each other, ok?

For from now on, the only moment I want to hear of you again is that when I'm told of your funeral.

Goodbye, "friend", let's do well in staying the strangers we've become, 

Yours sincerely,

The owner of your tiny box.

P.S. Witchcraft.

Song of the night: 태민 - 괴도 (Danger)

WINNER "2014 S/S" Album Review

This review reflects personal opinions and not those of a professional!

Personal rating: 5/5

The impression: All this time, while waiting for WINNER's debut, all I could think of was "YG, give me WINNER and nobody will get hurt!". Yes, we've suffered a lot waiting for the winners of the survival program WIN TV to make their much deserved debut on the k-scene and today, 12th of August, it finally happened! I literally shed some tears when I first listened to the album! Really! The waiting was long and the anticipation high, but trust me, you won't be disappointed if you give them a chance!

As a whole, I like that the album manages to keep the colours the boys had before becoming WINNER, so if you were a supporter of them throughout the program, you'll be more than pleased to hear Team A's specific tones. But, as it was bound to happen through their hard work and training, WINNER grew up as an artistic and quite lyrical group, and even though you'll find their songs simple and maybe not that fancy as you'd expect from YG artists, the way the tracks keep you hooked is the only thing that matters! 

From what I see, their debut could be the beginning of a new era in the k-world.

The tracks:

01. Empty (공허해 ) - Their first title track... Look at me getting all emotional over it! But, getting over my own feelings, I'll have to say that it's a little bit obvious that the composer is B.I (he's the leader of Team B and a rapper as well). The song has that feeling that B.I used to give out through his songs, you know? It has that special way of intertwining words and feelings in a truthful, lyrical, hip-hop based song. This song is not specific to what WINNER used to be... it's like they took someone else's clothes and wore them for the public to see. As I see it, there are numerous types of lyricism; in this case, there is Song Mino's type, there's Nam Taehyun's, there's Kang Seung Yoon's and then there's B.I's. And each is different from the other ones. Mino's is rough, wild, bombastic, full of that freedom rappers usually conserve in their compositions; Taehyun's is sweet and mellow; Seung Yoon's is giving out his rebellious side, rock tunes here and there; B.I's is lyrical with deep, usually personal meaning. And this track screams B.I's name. Not that it's a bad thing! The man is definitely super talented! And strange enough, even if maybe the song wasn't meant to get to the boys in WINNER (hey, I'm just assuming things here, let my imagination work on this, please), this hip-hop based ballad manages to fit WINNER... or is it the other way around?

Anyway, I like the fact that Mino's rap is the one opening the song and I like that fact that towards the end, he sings with his badass voice. It's cool to die for! Jinwoo's high note is timidly giving the track that longing feeling, while Taehyun's tiny, but high in notes voice, echoes behind perfectly. Seung Yoon is supposed to keep it cool with his unmistakable rockish vocalization and Seung Hoon speaks about the loneliness of a man in simple and yet so addictive rap. It's a cool track, really!

And the MV makes it so that it brings out even more the solitude that trickles from the lyrics. It's artistic and high quality, surprising the coldness a man feels after a break up or at that point of a relationship when feelings seem to no longer exist.

02. Color Ring - Kang Seung Yoon! Ahem, pardon my fangirling over this perfection of composer song... Another title track, another mind blowing song and if I'm allowed to say so, a piece of art! Ok, I'll take my chances and say that the song belongs to the leader. Am I right? Of course I am! I knew it from the moment I heard it! And nothing would have given it up if not for the rockish ending. Ok, there are some other elements that made me think Seung Yoon could be the composer of this track, but I couldn't say it for sure until I reached that certain part around the end of the song.

Oh, this song! It broke my heart into pieces and made me fall deeply for it! It's sad, full of longing, full of guilt - the ending of a story is being said through this song (excuse me for having a sweet tooth for rock ballads). I love everything about it: the instrumental that brings together the acoustic guitar and the piano and then, that beautiful part played by a real band with the drums being clearly heard, the sad lyrics, the voices that come together so well. Oh, and about the voices, got to love Mino's deep, hoarse singing voice that blends with Taehyun's so perfectly. Yep, there's nothing that these boys can't do! And Seung Hoon expresses the many frustrations while Seung Yoon brings his specific, soulful, poetic and full of alternating tonalities voice. There's no way you won't fall in love with this song and with WINNER as well!

And a super plus comes from the incredible visual MV! I loved the graphic of it, how it gives you the impression of simplicity and how it yet shows one's complexity. And the way the boys acted - thumbs up! (Mino! No fair! I got distracted by your manliness! And Seung Yoon and his new hair cut made me look for him in every frame). My favourite scene? Hmmm... there are four: 1. when the girl let's go of Seung Yoon's hand, he looks so freakin' pissed (compared to the others that look sad and regretful, maybe a little bit frustrated), 2. when Seung Hoon stretches his hand upwards and the couch transforms into water under him, making him fall into the deep water, 3. when Seung Yoon runs in the rain, screaming and 4. the ending scene, where Mino turns his back on his phone that later is shown to be receiving a call.

03. Don't Flirt - is a super fun song that will make your body move along the beat without you even noticing it! I like the beat of it 'cause it gives the vibe of a concert held in a club, with the boys talking of a certain someone from the crowd gathered in front of them. And I like it also for the sincerity of the lyrics, for the way it shows that men are vulnerable as well and insecure and holding in a lot for the woman they like. Sounds a lil' bit like one of GD's songs if you ask me in matter of fun vibe, that is!

My favourite part of it is the last part of the song because it reminds me of the American pop songs from the '90 and early 2000s. It's fun and makes you dance, definitely a summer track to listen while getting tanned!

Is my imagination wild or you can see them too performing inside a club while listening to the track?

04. I'm Him (Mino's solo) - makes it evident for everyone that he is not a rapper reared inside an entertainment company, but out there, in the undergrounds, where the shit gets real and you need talent to survive or you're dog food. Yep, Song Mino used to be a well known underground rapper prior to his debut with BOM and now with WINNER. And maybe it's that wilderness of words that coated him with his current image. One thing is for sure: he learned his rhythm before coming to YG and so, through this track, I believe he offers some kind of warming to his rivals and his fans as well, to the entire entertainment world actually.

I like his wild nature as the toughness fits Mino like a glove. And the song - man, that sassy oriental rhythm that keeps up with his rap is just addicting!

05. Love Is a Lie - yet another fun track that kind of makes fun of one's delusion! The electronic instrumental is super fun and gets stuck inside your head quite quickly! But what makes it fun is the fun rap parts and the catchy chorus that will have you sing along or hum along with them. Love the way Mino keeps singing "Lie lie, love's a lie" and the way Seung Yoon says at some point "Love is so bad" on such a tone that it seems he mocks the poor man that suffers while being unable to admit that everything is over with his girlfriend.

But what I really, really like about this song, is the fact that the vocalist take turns in singing the chorus, which is super 'cause it gives them all lines during the song, thing which you hardly meet in other groups where you can meet vocalists with just a line or two during the whole 3 to 4 minutes^^' Thumbs up for WINNER!

06. Confession (Taehyun's solo) - is a ballad composed and sang by the group's maknae, Nam Taehyun. For those who followed the group through their evolution prior the debut, they know that Taehyun is one of the main vocalists and has a soulful voice and that his voice manages to deliver his feelings through the song he sings.

This one is especially sweet as it was written before their album and we actually heard it during WINNER TV, which means that papa YG really intended to debut them and didn't do it just to save his reputation after having them go through a survival show. And plus, the boy has the talent! I think, ballads fit Taehyun the best. So, if you're Taehyun biased, you'll want to give a listen to this song under a starry sky or with your eyes closed.

07. But - is yet another incredible song that featured guitars and a real band, a mellow ballad with accents of rock. I like the way it goes from the soulful parts of the vocalists to the funky and somehow fun parts of the rappers (of course that I blame Mino for it!), but I really like the way Taehyun and Seung Yoon take turns into screaming "I was bad" - it puts something different in a song that is supposed to be sad.

The lyrics are something special as well: a request to stay in love, to love him even though he knows he's lacking and that he's selfish. It's a refreshing song that makes me wonder how it would sound live :)

08. Different - is a song about not being able to express your feelings, about sometimes being nothing more, nothing less than a mere human. WINNER sings from the perspective of the man that realizes that he's different from what all the other boyfriends show to their girlfriends and admits that in simple words that come out as both an explanation and some sort of favour asking. It's a nice song, with the guitar giving the start to what could be a track with a cold vibe. But I like it! I like the way Mino's cool rap is intertwined with the vocals of Seung Yoon, I like Jinwoo and Taehyun's soft vocals and Seung Hoon's rapid rap. But what I like the most is that somehow reggae part (Seung Yoon's singing it) that you can hear towards the end of the song and Mino's singing voice (man, is there something Song Mino can't do?! O.o).
Plus, the chorus will definitely get you hooked!

09. Tonight -  is yet another track that saw the light thanks to the talented maknae, Taehyun :) How I know? It has those feelings Taehyun puts in his songs and if you give a good listen to it, you'll notice how well it goes with his voice (I actually like this one so much more than "Confession"). What really caught me off guard, is the sexy vibe the song has despite being a soulful song that talks about the impossibility of getting over a break-up. It's the saxophone, I'm telling you!

10. Smile Again -  is a song that I personally believe to have brought WINNER the fame during the survival program where they used to be known as Team A. Sincerely, I think this is the song that showcases the potential of this group as well as Seung Yoon's talent as the leader of the group, as a composer and performer. I still remember how Mino worked to hard to dance despite his aching ankle, how Seung Hoon put on a great choreography, how Seung Yoon worked on the song himself together with Taehyun. I think it was the first time they won and were praised for their performance (really, watch their survival show if you haven't already!). 
But until now, I talked about the performance version of this song, while I should talk about the studio version which is on their album. Personally, I think it's too clean compared to the performance version. I believe it lacks the power to display their vocals as the other version did. Plus, I'm not really a fan of the new instrumental part as it's based on studio/computer sounds rather than the electric guitar that can be heard if you give a listen to their performance version. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the song! I really do! It's one of those songs that got me hooked and made me cheer for them during their survival, but this version just... kills their playfulness! The song is no longer lively. Heck, even Taehyun's high note that he worked so hard to reach (really, he got the other members to step on his belly to make the right sounds come out) is no longer that powerful as it was during that live performance. And it's bad, really, that the studio version does not reach the same level as the live one... 
But, nonetheless, as I am their die-hard declared fan, I am indeed happy to finally have this song in my playlist! :)

Overall: I might have said some things that will not appeal to the other fans of WINNER, but I only stated my opinion. Some tracks are better than others and some got me really excited. The album, as a whole, is totally enjoyable and shows just how much these boys have grown over the past months. I believe they'll be able to accomplish so much more if the fans will give them the chance to display their talents.
What I like more and really admire is the fact that they debuted with a full album and not just a single or and EP like other groups do. This showed that their producer (papa YG, I see what you did there!) really believed in them and that he considered not using their track would have been a total waste. It kind of proves the unity of WINNER and YG, doesn't it?
Otherwise, I don't know... I would have liked for Seung Yoon to have a solo track as well (yep, you might have noticed that I tend to be biased when it comes to him, but I was a fan of his way before him becoming part of Team A and their leader later on, so yeah...) or to have more tracks composed by him featured on this album, but at the same time I understand and know that every single member is talented and that they needed to show what they're capable of after many months of training.
And to end it with a sincere note, I will say that WINNER did not disappoint me with their late debut. I am happy to have them out in the spotlight at last and even more exited to have noted that they kept their colours and didn't astray from their style too much. I believe they can grow big and who knows, maybe launch a whole new era in the k-world :)
WINNER, thumbs up! ^.^

P.S. Favourite tracks? "Color Ring", "Smile Again", "Don't Flirt" and "But" totally won me over :)

It's you

But you got to know this: my taciturn self is only screaming in psychotic struggles to escape you and your eyes. Yes, this is my confession of madness, my admission into a personal Hell I will never escape from... because you're there, always there, always there, presence of spirit and flesh, my utmost thirst, my lone crave for dangerous, maniac like company. It's you, you, you and you only. It's you and...

Your moves are fluid and your fingers seem to be chains of flying butterflies, keeping me trapped in this insanity, the forever darkness of my own mind.

Your scent is like an eternal flame burning the floor when I just want to lie down and shut down all these machines inside of me forever. Forever... but your flame keeps me moving, keeps me dancing, dangling my chains after me.

Your eyes looking away from me are more than any punishment Heaven could have bestowed on me for being born in this skin, trapped in this meat case. If there's no you, there can't be any other, so I'll struggle with all these bones and rip them to pieces if I have to... just don't look away.

And then your lips - a sweet smelling rose in full bloom is a decaying corpse. Full and with the corners always twirled in one or another form of mocking smile is carnage, silent torment for the weaklings like me that cannot touch you, cannot approach you, that can only dream of your darkness scattered in the wind. And sweet and poisonous and filled with thorns are they. But that can't keep me away from deliriously wishing to sink my teeth in your bottom lip and suck its death into me. Release me from my chains...

Your touch - whips and scratches against my bruised skin. And yet I let you continue your way down my hand, 'cause I know the pain can be erased only with pain and that there's no such thing as mercy in our little dark corner where only the devil can creep in without feeling insulted by the profanity of our blind Oblivion. 

You make no sense with your sweet lies and we both know your time is limited. So lay me down on sheets of solitude, strip me of all inhibition and look at me and only at me, see the soul screaming in me, see the claws scratching my throat in front of your every day betrayal, confide into my reverse flowing tears and trust they would never tell on you. And we'd finally be together.

Silence is overflowing from your shyness and I can only sharpen my claws on the smile in your eyes. Black blood flows through our veins and yet you do not see it - you'll never see it. The more you approach me, the more my chains of butterflies strangle me, cover me in soft and silky dust - you're the demon of my own insanity and you've come to take me, now I know.

But before we go anywhere, let me have that soft kiss, 'cause there ain't nobody in this maze to love you like I do.

Lunafly Concert Review

This review contains personal opinions!

Concert rating: 10!/10

An introduction of the group: Lunafly is a South Korean trio consisting of Sam (leader, vocalist), Teo (vocalist) and Yun (main vocalist, maknae). The boys are signed under Nega Network, the same company as Brown Eyed Girls and the rookie group, LC9, but compared to their seniors and hoobaes, Lunafly is not your ordinary k-pop group, as the trio sings and plays instruments like a real band (Sam - guitar, Yun - guitar, Teo - keyboard, drum, guitar). 

The trio debuted almost 2 years ago and its popularity is still raising, mostly outside of Korea through its numerous covers released through an youtube channel, but also through its original songs, which they usually release in both Korean and English, making its music more accessible to international fans.

The summer of 2014 marked the beginning of their first world tour that began in Latin America and continued with European countries. During their concert in Bucharest, Romania, Sam announced the release of their next song "Can I Kiss You?" which will apparently be an English track.

The impression: Lunafly is not the first k-group that marks Romania on its concert map. LedApple was the first to heat up the stage back in February, concert which gathered fans from different European countries in a number of almost 2,000. Lunafly's concert sold out with both VIP and Fan Sign tickets and when the fans finally stopped pouring through the open doors, there were more than 500 fans anxiously waiting for the boys to go up the stage. Yes, we were few in numbers, but the atmosphere was that of a rock concert, of that I assure you!

The whole event debuted through a hanbok (traditional Korean clothing) presentation, continuing with a dance number performed by a Romanian girl group (sincerely, those girls failed to impress me; seriously girls, get your moves in sync first!), the boys stepping on the stage at 8:20 PM (they were scheduled to enter at 8:30).

But leaving aside the actual concert for now, I'll talk about the fans and the atmosphere. Some (please note that I deliberately said SOME!) of the fans left me speechless in the most negative way. I did not expect certain things to be seen/said/heard at/during such an event! I hope/wish that the next concert will reunite more suitable fans or at least the fans will understand where they did wrong and make sure they do not repeat the same mistakes. Seriously, some of the fans made me wonder if that's how the whole k-pop fandom is (no wonder we're called the worse fans)! And not to mention that when I first began listening to k-pop everything was so civilized... back then, k-pop wasn't just a "phase". But right now, I don't know. One thing is for sure: it makes me wish I could hide k-pop from everyone and keep it just to me and those from my generation... I sound old and cranky now, ain't I?^^' Still 19, peeps, still 19!

But the atmosphere... WOW! just WOW! Now, have you ever been to a rock concert? Like, Bon Jovi for example? Have you ever heard the whole crowd singing along with the performing artist? So loud that the artist himself had to scream to cover the crowd? Well, that's how it was here! We all sang along Lunafly, be the songs in English or Korean. We sang with them, chanted their names, the group name, screamed "I love you!" in both languages, laughed with them and when Sam announced their break, we reluctantly let them go change their outfits, kind of afraid they might leave just like that. Crazy, huh? They took a break of 20 minutes and then the show went on, with them wearing casual clothes and prepared for what was going to be the most impressing part of the concert: a Romanian song sang by all of them from the beginning to the very end. Sincerely, if I weren't already their fans, they would have won me then and there! The way they sung "Immortals (ro: Nemuritori)" in Romanian, their pronunciation and the way they jumped off the stage, jumping and cheering, making me feel that they were one of us - man, there's no way of explaining that in words! But it was the highlight of the concert for sure!

Otherwise, they sang all of my favourite songs: "I'm Yours" (Jason Mraz cover), "As Long As You Love Me" (JB cover), California King Bed (Rihanna cover), "Wake Me Up" (Avicii cover), "Fly to Love" (original song), "Special Guy" (original song) and by the end of the concert, I was crying (on the inside, too damn proud to manifest my fangirl feels in public) of happiness while heading to the fan sign event.

The autograph session was another thing I expected ever since I got my ticket! To see one of your biases face to face and tell him a word or two, to have him look at you and make you feel he's seeing only you, even if it's for 5 seconds - that's something only fans can understand! The boys were clearly tired ('cause by the end of the concert, poor Yun had to bend to make the right sound come out and Sam's voice had gone all hoarse), but they still smiled and waved while passing through the crowd of fans, heading for the room where the autographs were going to be given. One more point for them! And then the fans began going in and coming out all smiles, hugging each other and all! Gosh! And then I went in and got to look into Sam's eyes and stutter in front of him when he asked me if I had fun (ok, I didn't stutter and I assured him that I had the time of my life, to which he said, "Good! 'Cause I had the time of my life as well!", cheesy, right?!), smile at Teo's silliness when he clearly signaled who's autograph was that by making two dots above his head on the picture and lose all my words in front of Yun's perfect smile (ok, I didn't lose my words, 'cause I told him "Yun, you've got a wonderful voice!", to which he replied with a shy smile "Really?! Thank you!" - I wish I had the guts to use my Korean though...booo!) and before I knew it, I was out and gone... *sigh* I know that these kind of things don't last long because there are a lot of fans and all, but this time their staff was cool and smiling, while the Romanian staff was the worse. They didn't let Sam receive my letter directly and made me leave it on the table only to throw it later in a box. The disappointment was probably clear in my eyes, 'cause Sam assured me he's read it later (really, thank you Sam! It's ok even if you don't read it, 'cause you probably receive a lot of them and I... heck, I didn't even know what to write in there >///<). But yeah, the Romanian staff was really bad and disrespectful. Hope that next time they'll at least be politer!

The boys:

Sam - He is the sweetest and the most sarcastic, cynic member of the trio! But I still like him! He was my bias even before they debuted (I kind of know him before Lunafly's debut :P) and still is... sort of, kind of... you'll see why later^^' But this man, I love his English! I love his accent and the way he pushes the other members to speak English more and more. He spoke little Korean and talked to the fans the most, responding to the crowd screams and keeping the fire burning. I swear that he loves teasing his fans the most and he himself is teased the most by no other than the evil maknae, Yun darling (he was called old like the songs they cover, old like a grandpa). He even tried his hand on Romanian and it made my heart tingle when he said "You're beautiful" in Romanian or "I love you. or when he sang "Immortals". I really appreciate his effort and thank you for being such an awesome leader of Lunafly and a wonderful person nonetheless!

The part which I loved the most was when he pretended not to understand Korean when the fans asked him to do "귀요미 (Gwiyomi Song)"... silly leader, refusing to act cute!^^

Teo - Officially, he's the craziest of them all! And he's the one that kept us all on track when the cheering would go too loud! This man is incapable of staying serious for too long and got to say that his easy-going attitude could succeed in making you laugh even if you're the most serious person on Earth's surface! Where to put that he sings, plays the keyboards, the drums AND the guitar! He's really nice and special, fitting perfectly in Lunafly! 

What I like about Teo is not the fact that he's handsome or that he looks super with short hair, or his voice, or the fact that he knows how to make the crowd scream at the top of the lungs, but the fact that despite his English not being the best, he tried his best to reach out to us and kept talking, not minding his mistakes (he's truly a language genius, really! should have heard him talking in 7 or so impossible to pronounce languages!). So, for doing your best, thank you, Teo!

Yun - He is special, I swear he is! He's kind of, sort of my bias over Sam (but shhhhh! his crazy fans scared me off, so this is off the record, ok? don't tell them, 'cause I don't want anyone chasing me with an ax^^') and he deserves that place. Why? Well, one - I love his shy personality (it makes me wish I'd be able to meet him while he'd be a normal person and not who he is today; trust me, there's just one other celebrity that gives me the same feeling), two - I love his smile (it's boyish and shy at the same time and it suits him so damn well!), three - I love his voice (he has this special, husky tonality that gives me shivers no matter in hat language he sings!), four - I like the fact that he's so perfectly matching his bandmates and the fact that his skin is coloured, not looking like all the other idols - sorry for this - that seem to have shoved their face in white paint, five - he looks and is humanly approachable. And he really, really is a nice person. I don't know about other k-idols, but Yun is really sweet and nice!

My favourite moment with him was when the crowd was chanting "사랑해 (kr. I love you.)" and he started chanting "Te iubesc (I love you)" in Romanian, signaling his bandmates to copy him. 

Overall: Lunafly really put on a great show! They're incredibly talented and if you ever have the chance to go see them live, don't hesitate 'cause I guarantee you won't regret one bit!^^ What really impressed me (and I was really skeptic and really kept an eye for this aspect) was the fact that they sang 100% live. They didn't even use those headsets you see idols use during live stages back in Korea. And this impressed me! Then, they're really in sync once with another, vocally and instrumentally speaking.

Another thing which I was really curious about was if Yun really can sing that high pitched part from their song "Special Guy" and WOW! the man sounded perfect! It really amazed me, because I know that tonality is not easy to reach and maintain. Good job! Or if Sam's rap is really that fast live - and man, Sam can really rap fast! This is what I call being multi-talented!

Sincerely, I was not disappointed and I do not regret one bit not going to their concert! They deserve 10/10! :)

I wish Lunafly a safe flight back to Korean and that they get more recognition for their talent, 'cause they deserve it to the very bit! 

Let's meet again someday, ok?

P.S. If you want to hear the boys live, head here. The live stages are from their concert in Paris and I'm linking them here because the videos are Hd compared to the ones made during their concert in Romania. Enjoy!

Credits: the photos are not mine and belong to the person mentioned on the photos. Take out with full credits, please!

Block B "H.E.R" EP Review

This review reflects personal opinions and not those of a professional!

Personal rating: 4.5/5

The impression: Block B had me waiting for this album quite reluctantly thanks to their photo teasers. I mean pink? Doesn't ring like Block B's style at all! But I was willing to wait and see how it turned out. And I wasn't disappointed.

I like the fact that their live stages promote "Jackpot" as well since it would have been a shame not to give the deserved attention to this track! And as always, the guys do not disappoint when talking about singing live and putting a show at the same time!

But enough chit-chatting and let's get down to talk about the tracks!

The tracks:

01. Extraordinary Woman (보기 드문 여자) - Compared to their other albums' intros, this track is a slow melody with a jazzy feeling that reminds of the old American pop (talking here about Backstreet Boys, Westlife, Blue etc.). It's not a powerful track, but it gives this peaceful feeling that's just right during a quiet evening with some wine and a good meal. Yep, the boys are now on another level as entertainers. Ok, so I like that Zico tried his hand on another genre other than hip-hop/rap/powerful k-pop, but sincerely, I don't think it completely suits Block B. They had other slow tracks on their previous albums as well, but there were a lot of tracks a la Block B to give them real attention. But with this track opening their new EP... Otherwise, the song is nice, especially the instrumental background - we have guitar, battery, making the fans wish to hear the track live with a band. Even the rap parts are mild and putting into the limelight the exact feelings the track talks about: a man that is in love with his girlfriend, a man that is surprised by his own feelings.

Got to ask: is this year the "season" of love confessions?

A plus given to Zico's English part at the end! It makes me wish he'd have a solo English track sometime in the future!

02. H.E.R - And the track that bears the same name as the EP! This is the crazy style Block B had us used to! It's fun, it's colourful, it features Zico's genius rap, the instrumental is made by a band - what more would we want from this track?!

Just like the previous song, it talks about love, about this "extraordinary' woman that has left all members speechless and made them go gaga after her! But unlike the other track, this one features the craziness of Block B gone to the max! I love how he song gets to you and you hear yourself humming along with it after listening just once (trust me, I got to annoy my friends with this song after it got stuck inside my head).

I like how they changed the members turns to singing as well. Usually we have Zico introducing the track, Kyung or PO, Jaehyo (a line or two), B-Bomb or U-Kwon (again, a line or two) and Taeil doing the actual singing. But now we got to hear P.O singing - ok, let me say it in a different way SINGING, P.O SINGS! And we clearly got to hear B-Bomb and U-Kwon, even Zico can be clearly heard during the chorus. Surprisingly, Taeil is the one that got less lines this time and of course, poor Jaehyo. But it's the major change that makes the track so fun, since P.O's voice is husky and sounds so perfectly during the funky intro and chorus!

And about the MV - is colourful and funky and it still has that Block B trademark craziness, thing which is totally adorable! Especially Zico with his bubbles and body gag movements! But all members are just as crazy and seem to be made for comedy shows! And for this we have to talk to the director that made their MV look so good.

Pluses: Zico's silly act, Zico's aegyo part, P.O's singing voice, B-Bomb's tough act, U-Kwon's voice.

03. Hold Me Now (이제 날 안아요) - More than the first song of the album, this one is indeed a ballad. It's a sweet track featuring amazing vocals and the sweet tune of the piano. It's a love song and once again, it has that touch of the old pop ballads, something that makes me think of either Westlife or Blue or, if we talk about k-world, then it's definitely SS501. So yeah, as much as I like Zico's composing skills and this song as well, I have to point out that it's definitely not Block B's style. 

Plus: Jaehyo's fans can rest assure that the boy can really sing! I mean, this song is mostly his :)

04. Jackpot - Now this song is complete madness, screaming Block B from the very first seconds! This track is pure genius, so funky and fun, it makes you sing along with it without even knowing the language or the lyrics! It just has that thing, you know?

Love the piano at the beginning and the drums during the song, the fact that a live version of this song would sound so badass and rockish that would make the floor tremble under the fans' feet! But what I enjoy the most is the playfulness of their voice and of the entire tune, while the words they sing are real. I think this is one of the first songs of the year that has a real message behind the lyrics. Here, Block B no longer talks about love and break-ups, feelings and touching stories, but about success and greed, about how people perceive these and how every single one of us is struggling to become successful and how easy it is to get lost on the path of success. I think the song, which is composed by Zico, of course, is a message for their fans and for the entire k-world: they will be back more successful than before, they will not be brought down by anything and that with every blow they receive, they'll only raise more powerful. That's just deep, man! Congrats to Zico!

Plus: The MV is a piece of art! It's a sort of continuation of "Very Good", but at the same time it's somehow different. The "Very Good" MV was somehow more violent than funny, while the MV for "Jackpot" is funny and full of nonsense, featuring a lot of glam and that funky image Block B manages to pull every single time! Love Zico's kimono from the beginning, his blue lenses, his English, Kyung's hypnotic umbrella, B-Bomb's gentleman's image, P.O strange taste for bugs and bright hair colours (swear that this man can pull any hair colour!), Taeil's high kick during the dance and chorus part, U-Kwon's obsession for guns and fight scenes, Jaehyo's high note at the end. But what's really interesting is that the MV puts the lyrics into visual content: the boys are transforming the girl, preparing her for her successful path. But, as real life teaches us, no good deed gets unpunished, as the girl flips the bird while walking away from the boys, all dressed up. Not that she remains unpunished either... see what I mean? Everything in this MV has a moral!

Overall: The album is great! Zico is one heck of a composer and producer and I think he knows exactly what the strong and weak points of his fellow bandmates are.. I may not be that fond of the slow tracks and all, but I guess Zico had his reason for including them in this album. As their all related to love and one "extraordinary" woman, should I guess that he's in love? :) (c'mon, I wasn't wrong with Taeyang's dedication of 'Eyes, Nose, Lips" either :P). I deducted 0.5 points just because I personally believe that songs like those don't suit Block B that well. Otherwise, the songs are very good and nice to listen, especially since they make me believe I hear a drama's OSTs :)

One more thing: I really read comments on the internet about Block B's comeback and I was pleased to see that despite them having some difficulties in the past, the BBCs remained strong on their side. One thing though - some compared Zico's skills with GD's composing ability and said some nasty things about how the younger generation has some more "juice" flowing inside them. Well, I didn't like that. Not at all. GD is my bias and so is Zico and I never, ever thought of comparing them. GD is GD and sincerely speaking, I think that man will compose songs even when he'll be old and cranky, while Zico is Zico, his rockish and badass style overflowing with every sing he writes. They're both geniuses and awesome singers! Why compare them? That's just mean and it could hurt them both! So, please, BBCs and other fans as well, let's show the artists the respect they deserve, ok? 'Cause just as you don't like being compared to someone else when doing something, I guess they don't like it either. After all, they all work hard for the fans :)

Save me

Yesterday I lost my faith in humanity. Before yesterday I used to think there is a slight chance for us to improve, for us to become better, for us to be a little kinder to those around. But now I see the truth - we screwed up somewhere along the human evolution. We lost the capacity to be objective over a strange kind of selfishness and rage that's specific to wild animals.

Apparently, nothing I do is ever good enough. Apparently the word "student" and the status it brings within society is nowadays perceived as an insult. The fact that I went to one of the best high schools in my city and was a good student is no good. Not to talk about the fact that I actually got a place in one of the best universities in my country - no, that's shameful to even be mentioned! No matter what I do, no matter how much I struggle, no matter how hard I try to be better in what I do and better as a whole human being, I am judged by the fact that I hang around with younger people and don't have a boyfriend. Yes, in the eyes of my bullies, I am a social loser...

I know people don't like reading about bad stuff happening and tend to give more importance to happy thoughts. But bullying is part of our every day life, people. We shouldn't treat it lightly. As a kid I put up with it most of the times, until I found a way out of the vicious circle. And I was good once I was out. As a kid, I think you can deal a little better with the stress and everything. But as a young adult, what are you supposed to do when put in such a situation? I got so mad that I swore and I was seen as a hooligan. I told them to back off, 'cause no one has the right to treat me this way and I was labeled as an impolite girl. I then tried to keep my horses and explained why I did what I did and was almost hit by a fist. And when I told the thing - it cannot be called human - to crawl back from where it came because I do not care about its opinion, the "alpha male" appeared and the way he yelled at me made me gulp. Now, I should have just flipped my bird and walk away, but no, 'cause I thought at least he would be more rational. But he yelled at me and I almost got hit again. Yay for humans like that bastard! So I gave him a "talk to the hand" and walked away as quickly as I could, not sure I could keep my head up anymore. The way they insulted me... it made me feel like a maggot. In their eyes, the fact that I had gotten where I wanted was not important. No. I should have brought back a super fabulous  boyfriend that would shit money and spit gold to be able to impress them. I should have probably have already two or three kids and still live with my parents. Or maybe I should have just failed all the finals in the 12th grade and be an ill-mannered shop assistant. Maybe in those situations they would have felt proud enough with what they did with their life to leave me the fuck alone. So yeah, sorry for being nothing but a plain girl that minds her own business and tries to achieve something in this life!

But I'm none of those they wish, so they found their way to pick on me. And I gave in to their words. I should have just flipped my bird and walk away. But I got affected and I cried my eyes out as soon as I locked the door behind me. I cried so much that I scared my mom over the phone. I cried until I transformed into a little Joker with all the mascara running down my cheeks. I cried and felt like the lowest human being on this planet. I cried because I was angry and because I was scared - c'mon, I am just a girl after all and being threatened with a fist cannot be taken lightly! And even now, 24h later, I am still affected by their words while they probably are soundly asleep in their beds. Gosh, sometimes I wish I could hurt people so badly that it would be impossible for them to ever recover! And to think that my bullies are calling themselves grown-up... fuck growing up if it means turning in a wild beast! Fuck being thirty or forty and senseless!

Why do we even grow up?

I want to go back to being a kid.

I need to go back and find myself a different path as far away from these idiots as possible!

Or even better, never be born into this world... 'cause here, nobody can save humanity any longer.

Grow [as human]

Couples are annoying to be around. So sickening sweet it make you want to leave the room and never again step inside there. They're the best at making you feel down, not needed, easy to be replaced, feel that you're the only one that hasn't evolved from the bottom of the food chain. Couples have this strange power to make you angry, clench your fingers around your glass or purse or phone and just curse through you clenched teeth... this or make you look away, embarrassed and just wishing a hole would open under your feet, swallowing you whole.

Couples are the best social torture that there is. That's how I used to think and feel. 

I used to be envious on their smiles and holding hands, on their little gestures that meant so much to them and them only, on the way they had this power to know when the other is around or in need or something, on their undivided attention. 

I used to feel awkward around them and just talk a lot to cover the way I was blushing or feel my heart stinging inside my chest. And then, the awkwardness would transform into anger - why couldn't I have that? Why did it have to be me? Was I really that bad? Where did God hid my luck? 

I used to think their love is disgusting...

Now I realize just how wrong I was. Love is not something that you should hate. Because, as we evolved as human beings, love became harder to find. Yes, there are the occasional relationship and the delusional thinking that we love the other person, but... that's not love. Now, I don't know what love really is or how it feels, if it hurts or if it's some sort of euphoric state of mind, but one thing I do know: love is awesome. And you cannot be envious on it or hate it or consider it disgusting. It's troublesome, yes, to those who are single, but it's not hateful.

I came to realize this with time and after hours of thinking and just analyzing the world around me. Now I can keep my head up and smile to their kisses and hugs, without feeling lonely or unwanted in their presence. Now I can be happy for them and smile at their love story as if I am one of those good people that do only good to others. I'm probably one of the worse people on this planet, but I cannot hate love. For it has its own pace, its own time and its own agenda. I cannot wish for it to hurry, I cannot make it bloom earlier, I cannot feel it until it's not its time.

So, I'll wait. Patiently, I'll focus on becoming a better human and grow healthier beliefs, so that when time comes and love finds me, I will be able of offering more than just my heart with all the scars and battle wounds, but also healthy moral values. And maybe, just maybe this way, my heart won't sting anymore around happy couples and I won't have to fake a smile, but wear a pretty and real one instead.

You need to be happy for their love in order to be happy with yours...

Stellar soul

N.R. is a human like all the others, just less special traits added to her character. But one night she went stargazing. And the lights she saw above, the millions of twinkling, the most beautiful painted view of them all - everything made her think just how beautiful ephemeral things were. It didn't matter that a lot of the lights she saw were just projections of stars that died or that their luminescence was cold and distant. To her eyes, they were all beautiful.

From that night, N.R. started her real journey as a human. And once on the bus, she realized that she had only watched life pass her by, too scared of the headlights of the cars to step outside her pretty and very fragile bubble. It was comfortable to take cover from the wind of change and just dodge all the drop from the rain of hardship. It was easy to wait for dreams to crawl out through her blinds, hope that once out they'll grow wings and become fierce and powerful like ancient dragons. And it was only now that she realized she had been missing all the excitement of being alive. So she left with the wind at her back, hoping to reach the stars before it was too late.

That night, that one night changed her life. For she had seen the most beautiful, most sparkling, most approachable light of them all. It was right there, above her, a little to the right on the sky's canopy, living in a different circle, leading a completely different rotation than N.R.'s planet. But it was alright, for she knew how to lure that star to look down and shine its light upon her and upon her alone. And so the star did: it turned itself to this one peculiar human and smiled with eons of undying rays of cold light, blinding even the Sun itself, making the Moon miss its rotation and scandalizing all the other cosmogonic spheres.

It was unusual for a human to shift its center of attention from inside to the outside, so N.R. was seen as being special for the first time. The way her eyes shone every time the star illuminated the night sky, the way her thoughts were put in tiny bottles and sent all across the sea, towards that special point where it meets Horizon, the only one capable of touching the sky, the way she was hoping and dreaming of that one single, tiny, little star was fascinating. She was after all, just a tiny, little human herself... and so she began to feel the wind of change as she reached the end of the Earth and realized her star was never going to make it on that squared piece of land she had brought for just the two of them. No, it hit her, her tiny star was pinned on the night's canopy forever and always. 

It saddened N.R. to watch her star trying to reach her so hard that she had blinded half of the galaxy. It was painful to watch how her star was hurting itself by breaking its light into so many pieces that it turned into sparkling dust above N.R.'s face and eyes. It broke her heart to know that despite seeing so many stars leaving the canopy, not even one reached the Earth before its own light. So one night, when the tide was high and the moon had finally stopped spinning, N.R. spoke her mind for the first time:

"I've been sitting, watching, waiting... Now it only makes me wonder: if I'd left this all behind and held the wind at my back, could I get you off my mind?"

And she turned her back on the sky and hid under a cover made of lies she told herself so her guilt would be put to sleep, her consciousness muted. But it was impossible to bear it: she wanted to pluck her eyes out, carve out her heart, dig her own grave with her nails, weep till the sea would cover the whole Earth or until the Moon would bathe in her tears... she wanted her star to be happy more than anything. And she knew, N.R. knew she was just a human, that she could shake all Heavens and no star would fall, that she was going to cry and throw a fit as soon as the light of her beloved star would touch her, freezing her blood. She knew she had so many flaws that even her guardian angel turned his face from her, ashamed of the nakedness of her soul and incapacity of truly believing. For that had been her problem from always: N.R. was incapable of believing for too long in something... especially in herself.

Until - until one night when she started believing in the happiness of her tiny, little star.

That's when she went stargazing with her soul...

Licensed to kill

I am a licensed liar.

I was born out of a lie and from my first word till now, everything was a lie. I lied shamelessly, I lied continuously, I breathe and eat lies from dusk to dawn.

The way I met him was a lie - a sunny day full of laughter and butterflies crumbles now in front of me. The whole imaginary puzzle is defective now that I admit it out loud that it was all a game of lies which built an empire of dirt and false truth.

The way I loved was a lie as well - reality is like a tennis racquet that hits you in the face when you expect less, sending balls and pieces of consciousness right at you. I loved only with my surface, only with my mind, keeping my heart under an invisible lock, giving the impression I was genuine, that I was truthful with my words. But I was taming my heart instead, letting the brain pick what truth to send out.

The way I dressed was a lie - layers and layers to cover my scars, to squeeze my curves, to break my bones, to make me look taller, to make me look desirable, to make me look like a Barbie. Thick layers to lie to the eyes, to hide my true self and keep my heart safe.

The way I walked was yet another lie - swaying my body, luring the spirits, setting fire to the water when all I wanted was to walk faster and faster, run away and stop only when the moon is full in the middle of the desert.

What have I become? How did all end up like this?

I took everything and gave nothing. I raised an empire of dirt, and put heart by heart till I built a wall taller than the tower of Babel. And no powerful entity threw lightning at me, I did not fell nor did it crumble over me, crushing me with waves of tears and blood. I asked for sincerity and I gave nothing but false truth, a facade built to impress... and I killed thousands, millions of feelings, choked them in their crib.

There is no real motive for my deeds. There's no explanation, no way of offering myself an excuse. I did what I did, knowing that everyone I know goes away in the end. No one stays, no one cares, so why should I? So I killed their feelings before they could kill mine, scarred them for life before they could give me deep cuts like those I received before.

Beneath the stains of time, I am still myself, still innocent... but my lies I cannot erase, I cannot hide or untell. They've grown into a forest of webs, deceived and tore heart after heart. If I could turn back time, I would keep myself buried in the ground, head underwater and lips sawn with heavy wire. And then I'd be the innocent one burn on the pyre and you could have it all, my empire of dirt, my crown of thorns, my liars' chair.

But my broken thoughts cannot be repaired and if I am to admit everything I'll say it out loud: I am a liar to the core, deceiving hearts and myself as well. I am licensed to kill after all...

Only [human]

I'll stop right here and right now. 

I'll hold in my breath so that I won't feel your scent anymore, I'll close my eyes to stop seeing you, I'll stop moving my lips under yours and deny any touch coming from you.

I'll stop now.

I'll hit my chest with my fist until I'll bruise it in hopes that my heart will actually fail to beat under the hits. If that doesn't happen, I'll open up my chest and unplug my heart, disconnect it from my brain and cease any vital function. And then I'll feed it to the dogs... not that they'll eat it since it's so old and scarred, so hard to chew on the stratified illusions and repeated surgeries. It will probably end up being ball to kids on the streets or maybe on the riverbank or it will roll and hid under the bridge, in a box, shivering in stitches and darkness. Or maybe someone will find it and take care of it, nurture it with pity if not love, clean it from all the dirt that went through all the open wounds, wash away the pain and memories and then give it to someone who really needs it... 'cause I don't really need it.

I'll stop now.

I won't care, I won't feel, I won't see, breathe or taste you like before. You will become gray to me and die, turn to dust and get carried away by the wind. I will no longer give in to you. I'll stay strong and unmoved like a rock, until water will wash all of me away and I will be remembered no more...

I'll stop now.

I'll stop loving you and seeing only you, I'll stop being blind. I'll be once again dark and twisted, sister with the fears and denial, I'll stop smiling blindly, I'll go back to my corner and forget all of me and all of you. I'll mute my plea and become deaf, I'll go searching once again for something that will taste just as sweet as you if not sweeter. I will stop loving you even if it means death to my soul!

I'll stop now and forever shall not find place to nest inside this rib cage of mine. I don't need promises for eternity, nor undying love written on sheets of paper; I don't need diamonds sparkling like the stars or cars or gold or flowers. For I ceased to exist the moment I gave my all and wrapped my soul around your arm. Yes, you took me all: all my body, all my heart and soul, my dreams, my thoughts. You occupied me as a vessel, you took over me like a conqueror takes over dry land - and just like that you ignored the fact that I had a name, a spirit, a life. Now all that's left of me is a mere meat carcass scribbled with nonsensical wishes of death. And they were all for you, love...

So I'll stop now. I'll just leave you behind and when we'll unexpectedly meet at the corner of that flower shop, I won't even look at you, I won't feel you or hear you. You'll be the ghost of my sad past and I'll be living in my self written present. You won't have the power to lure me in once again...

And yes, I will regret you all my life.

Holding demons

I think it happened on a rainy Tuesday evening... or was it on Wednesday? Anyway, what matters is that it happened during a rainy evening. I was just about to step out in the summer rain, my rain coat tightly wrapped around my shivering body. I was wearing a smile because inside my mind it was sunny - sunny and warm and wind was blowing from the sea, bringing salty drops on my skin. I was still smiling when I saw her: a mere silhouette, a mere presence in between the crowd, so dizzy and small she could have been easily carried off by the mere blowing wind. 
Her hair - a complete mess of rebellious curls.
Her lips - bloody and scrapped, moving continuously, whispering one she knew what.
Her fingers - holding tight on a bottle full of whiskey.
She was a lost one, an unfortunate event the crowd didn't preoccupy itself with. So I shrugged her off my mind as well and went on my way. Until those cold finger grabbed my wrist and forced me to look deeply in her eyes. Eyes that had seen the worse, eyes that were swimming in tears, eyes that were showing the wild sparkle of a spirit that didn't knew how to lose. And when she dragged me away on the dark alley, the world stopped moving all of a sudden and I went back in time.
There I was, young and smiling, celebrating my 18th birthday. A chaos of a party with demons screaming from bottles of whiskey and gin and burning cigars, with speakers screaming profanities out loud, inviting to orgies, tempting even the weak me to give in to the darkness that came smiling at me, wrapped in smoke and dirty colours. And then I woke up in someone else's bed, wearing someone else's clothes, being someone I didn't even recognize...
As I watched my young self looking around all confused, the image changed into another one: me inside the OR, screaming my pain, cursing my fate, calling for my mother during labor. I was almost 19 and almost a mother.
And then she showed me the years that passed by in what seemed an eternity: late hours working, late hours partying, a child waiting at home with scared eyes, flinching at only the sound of my voice, a child that would cover my body with his own blanket and look over me as I slept on the floor. And no matter how badly I treated him, that child never left my side. He grew up wearing old clothes and sometimes barefooted and still gave his best out there. To him the world meant nothing if I wasn't happy.
Until one rainy day when we fought and I started crying, wishing out loud he wouldn't exist. And with a happy smile on his lips, he said "I know. I'm sorry. I love you." and went away. Next day I found his body hanging from the ceiling and a note stuck in his cold and rigid hand: "Now you can start all over again.".
"I spent his love and left him broke, hadn't I?" 
But only rain could answer to me. Rain and a warm hand holding mine.
"Are you ok, mommy?" His doe eyes checked my complexion.

Yes, I saw her on a rainy day. She was wild, she was rebellious and she defied every law in this Universe to come show me that I carried inside more demons than all Hell. And she got rid of them for me. Now I can wear flowers in my hair and white dresses and hold my child properly. Maybe I'm not the best, maybe I'll never be, but at least I am trying. Are you striking for a better you?
Yes, it was definitely raining on that Friday...

"I regret nothing."